


L'Amore Perfetto

by Sociallyawkwardwriter



Category: Eurovision Song Contest RPF, Festival di Sanremo RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Past Child Abuse, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 16:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16520072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sociallyawkwardwriter/pseuds/Sociallyawkwardwriter
Summary: For Ermal, everything became just too much on one day when he walked to the sea and had no intention of coming back. But the Gods had other plans for this young man.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Titel taken from the La Fame Di Camilla song with the same name.  
> Lyrics taken from another La Fame Di Camilla song "Ne Doren Tende"  
> Special thanks as always goes to [raisedtokeepquiet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/raisedtokeepquiet/pseuds/raisedtokeepquiet), who constantly makes sure that I don't post bs.  
> And, because I can't stress this enough:
> 
> TW Suicide

The water touched his knees, the salt stinging his open wounds. It felt so good, so painful. So alive. One step after another, he slowly waded through the water until it touched his chest, sloshing over his shoulders and pulling tight around his neck like a noose. Fascinated he watched as the world turned darker and darker around him, the noise of the day slowly vanishing around him, replaced by the gentle quietness of the night. Ermal waited until the sun was only a tiny, rosy shimmer over the endless blue. Then he took that last step, his feet losing ground. He enjoyed the way his arms glided through the cold water, he didn’t turn around to see the sliver of land vanishing on the horizon, he had no regrets.

  
With the night, the storm came. Of course it did, Ermal knew it would, he had anticipated it, planned it even. The salty water whipped in his face, entering his nose, mouth, ears. It was hard to breathe, impossible to keep his head over water, his muscles had started burning a while ago. He felt the drugs starting to work, felt his senses dimming and his strength leaving him. He knew he couldn’t hold on much longer, knew this would be over soon. A small smile appeared on his face. Finally. With his last breath, he looked upon the silver moon, bright and full at the sky, bestowing a ghostly light on the crashing waves. His silent companion, the only eyewitness to see him take his last breath, to watch as Ermal Meta vanished forever from the face of this earth.

* * *

 

  
Curious, Fabrizio watched as the body drifted down, slowly, oh so slowly, like they always did. Yet he immediately knew that this one was different. Ra inched closer, regarding the flesh with a hungry look, but Fabrì shooed him away. Not this one. This one was different, special. Even though he couldn’t understand the reason just yet. He followed its path as it sank lower and lower until the shoulder hit the ground, the young man draped over the sand like one of those famous paintings, motionless and beautiful, his dark hair fanned out, resembling the sea tang the smaller fishes liked to hide in. Cautiously, Fabrì inched closer, his fingers reaching out towards that porcelain-like skin, but not touching, no, simply hovering over it, moving languidly through the water, causing it to curl around the dead body and making it sway with the gentle motions. Following the inexplicable urge that pulled him in, Fabrizio inched his face closer, so close that their noses nearly touched.

  
And then he knew, knew what was different about this one. Knew why Neptune had brought this young man to him. His fingers stretched out again, but now they touched, touched that serene smile on the young face, the sad tilt of his eyes. He was just like he himself had been all those years ago.

  
This type didn’t come to him often, more than half of them not nearly as successful or as determined as they would like to be. No, mostly it was accidents, swimmers that had misjudged the distance to the cliffs or surfers that were too sure of their own abilities and oh, how Fabrì grieved for every single one of them, but especially the children. He hated that Neptune had stripped him of his humanity but left him with his emotions.

  
They were so close now, their noses almost touching, Fabrizio’s finger stroking gently over that soft lip, tugging at it. His breath left him on a soundless sigh at the sight of all this fleeting beauty that would vanish, torn away by predators within a few hours, days at most. But then it happened. His breath, that wasn’t real, that was just a useless holdover of his human remains, left his mouth, entered the airways of that cold body lying on the ground of the sea, filling its lungs with a power that was much older than the earth itself.

  
Eyelids started to flutter, which made Fabrizio jump back, Ra and Ro, who had come back in the hopes that there was still some fresh flesh to scavenge, hiding behind his back, their sleek bodies moving restlessly within the water.

  
Slowly, disorientated the man sat up before his face turned into a disappointed grimace. Fabrizio’s heart broke for this young life that had already experienced too much sorrow for the soul to endure the grief. But then the man looked around, finally taking notice of his surroundings and his frown turned into an expression of wonder and disbelief. “What?” he gasped, immediately clapping his hand over his mouth. His eyes continued to nervously move around until they found Fabrizio. He had to suppress a shiver under the intense, dark gaze. Slowly the hand sank down, yet the penetrating gaze never wavered. Fabrì could see as the young man took some measured, deep breaths. “What – what is going on?” He stuttered, his voice incredibly soft. Maybe Fabrì had forgotten during all these years he had spent away from humans, but he was pretty sure never in his life or afterwards had he ever heard such a beautiful voice.

  
“What happened? Where am I? I wanted to… I thought I died.” Fabrizio awkwardly cleared his throat. “Well. Yeah. That’s because you did. Die, I mean.” “Excuse me?” the young man asked, his voice shrill. Oh dear, Fabrizio was really not used to interacting with people anymore. “You died. Drowned. You’re dead. You’re lucky the fish didn’t eat you yet.” “But…” The man tilted his head, a confused frown on his face. “I’m alive?” Fabrizio shook his head. He got the feeling that this would take a while. “You’re not. At the moment, you’re neither alive nor dead.”

  
“But… why? How?” Embarrassed, Fabrizio shrugged. “I don’t know. But you probably won’t age or get sick or older or change really.” The young man looked at him, stunned. “I’m Fabrizio, by the way.” He cursed himself for his awkwardness, but in his defense, it had been ages, probably centuries that he had spoken with a human. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Al, the spider crab, advancing, his tongs clapping mockingly at Fabri.

  
“I’m Ermal”, the young man said, interrupting his thoughts. Fabri frowned, he didn’t like the defeated tone in his voice. And if it were up to Fabrizio, he would never sound like that again. Fabrizio tried to smile at him, holding his hand out to help him up. There was a tingling feeling when that still warm hand gripped his that Fabrizio couldn't really explain. With his help, Ermal stood up, his legs slightly shaking. And then he smiled at Fabrizio and if his heart would still be beating, Fabrizio was sure that it would have stopped right then and there. Special, indeed.

 

* * *

  
Ermal wandered slowly through the underwater scenery, seaweed tangling around his feet, inviting him to stay. To him, everything still seemed so fantastic, like a surreal dream his unconscious mind had come up with to torture him, when in reality he was just lying somewhere, maybe in a hospital, in a comatose state. He didn’t even know how long it had been since he died. Days, maybe weeks or even months or years. Time had a different meaning down here. He watched as fish of all sizes flitted around him, Ra and Ro watching them carefully for a small midday snack. Some tiny, silvery fish hid in between Ermal’s curls, making him giggle when they tickled his ears.

  
The sound was swallowed under the masses of the ocean that made everything seem so dull and muted. Ermal gulped. It was difficult to get used to his new life, especially when that weird man – Fabrizio, he said that was his name – was not around. Ermal never thought in his life that he would miss the company of other humans. Though that wasn’t quite correct. It wasn’t exactly in his life now, was it? And was he even human anymore? But if he wasn’t human, then what was he? A ghost, an immortal? A fish?

  
Suddenly a shadow passed over them, startling Ermal out of his thoughts, the shape of the enormous shark unmistakeable. Ermal was shocked motionless, trying against all logic to even out his breathing, to seem as inconspicuous as possible. “Relax”, a deep voice suddenly came from behind him, Fabrizio’s body oddly calming against his, as gentle hands caressed his shoulders reassuringly. “She doesn’t like dead meat.” “You sure about that?” Ermal turned around, Fabrizio’s hands falling from his shoulders to gently stroke over his arms, before tangling their hands together. Ermal blushed, but let it happen. He wasn’t sure how long Fabrizio had been dead, he had asked the other man, but Fabrizio said he couldn’t remember. It must have been a while, Ermal’s best guess was several hundred years at least. He couldn’t imagine being alone for so long, how touch-starved the other must be now, always reaching out to Ermal in some small way or the other. And to Ermal’s biggest surprise, he didn’t dislike it. On the contrary, the warm touches felt good in the oppressing nothingness of the sea, the only bright notion in an ocean of dullness.

  
Instead of answering his earlier question, Fabrizio took one step closer, his hands gripping tighter around Ermal’s fingers. “Do you mind?” His voice was even huskier than normal, though Ermal couldn’t understand why. He just nodded, pulling the older man closer to his body, leaning his head on the other’s shoulder. Then suddenly strong arms were surrounding him and Ermal didn’t even know that one could feel so safe and cared for. Without much thought, his hand came up, tangling in that nest of unruly dark hair, tempting Fabrizio to utter a blissful moan. “You feel so different from a fish”, he suddenly mumbled, causing Ermal to laugh aloud. “Well, I sincerely hope so”, he said giggling. He wasn’t prepared for the way Fabrizio’s arms tightened around him, pressing their bodies even closer together, his breath ghosting over Ermal’s neck on a silent sigh. “No, I mean… you’re special.” Ermal’s smile turned soft. Up there, he had never cared about anyone, not even himself. He didn’t have friends and his family was a pile of shit. So he really couldn’t explain why this ancient fisherman had grown on him so much in such a seemingly short amount of time. His hand rubbed tenderly over those large shoulders, feeling the muscles move underneath his fingertips. “You’re just lonely.” And it might have been simply his imagination, but it was as if Fabrizio’s lips pressed a gentle kiss against the cold skin of his neck.

 

* * *

 

  
“You’re just lonely.” Ermal’s words echoed in Fabrizio’s mind, not leaving him alone. He was watching the young man playfully hunting Ra and Ro through a field of green and brown seaweed, the plants tangling around him, tugging at his clothes and at his hair, slowing him down, whereas the two giant morays glided through the plants like…well, water. He couldn’t deny it, Fabrizio was lonely, had been for such a long time now. But the company of other humans hadn’t tempted him since his early days down here. He knew he could survive on the dry land, in the beginning, he had done exactly that, walked amongst the mortals during the night, drank their alcohol and fucked their bodies. Trying his best simply to forget. To forget the smell of blood and death.

  
But each body he had embraced had reminded him of her and every child he had laid his eyes upon had turned into them. And with their memories, the guilt came back, her accusatory eyes when she held their firstborn in her hands, lifeless as a doll. The day she couldn’t bear her sorrow any longer, succumbing to the whispers of her grieving mind. The gurgling sound of the last breath the men took, Fabrizio’s knife deeply embedded in their chest. He could no longer remember their names or their faces, as they were far too many, far too long ago. Yet even now, in his darkest hours, he could see their blood staining his hands red. It didn’t take long for his nightly visits to cease, he had come to prefer the company of the silent marine creatures over that of humans. At least until Ermal, that was.

  
Ermal, who now stood in front of him, with his arms crossed, a petulant expression on his face. “I’m booooored.” Fabrizio had to chuckle. “How old are you? Five?” The way Ermal stuck out his tongue wasn’t really doing him any favours in this argument. Yet he looked stunningly beautiful, his long hair moving slowly with the languid motions of the water and the fish hiding in there, his clothes in tatters, shredded by rocks and the force of the sea, barely hiding his gorgeous body, the bruises that had covered it when he had died almost vanished. Fabrizio’s heart jumped at the sight in front of him, his stomach feeling as if someone had punched him and his mind a jumbled mess that could only focus on one name. It had been so long since he had felt this way, so long in fact, that he should have forgotten it like all those other things from the time he was alive, but how can one forget how it feels to be in love?

 

* * *

  
Ermal couldn’t suppress the smile as Fabrizio held out his hand, their fingers tangling tightly together. The older man tugged him away from the small cave they had chosen to stay in. Even though technically there was no need for shelter, Ermal had felt better resting there instead of just somewhere in the ocean like Fabrizio was used to. He glanced at the other man, a gentle smile gracing his handsome features. He still couldn't believe how he had to live down here, separated from all human contact. And still, he was so loving, caring towards Ermal. He didn't know how Fabrizio had ended up down here, whether it was malice or pity that had trapped him here, but he was sure that no one deserved this destiny. He was so deep in thought, he hadn't even realised where they were going, his eyes unseeingly wandering over the wonders that were omnipresent in this world of coldness and the dark.

  
So it came as a surprise to him when Fabrizio suddenly stopped, tugging at Ermal's hand to keep him by his side. Ermal felt literally his chin dropping when he looked upon what was in front of him. The dark pit that spanned right in front of them seemed bottomless, the black swallowing everything that approached it. One more step and it would have swallowed him as well. If Ermal hadn't known it was impossible, he could have sworn there was a cold brush of air coming out of the gaping mouth. His hand still tightly grasped in Fabri's, he took a step closer to the older man. “Okay, this is actually creeping me out, what is this?” “A trench”, Fabri said gleefully, an expectant smile on his face, as if that one word would answer all of Ermal's questions. It didn't. “Great, yeah, I can see that. But what are we doing here?” The smile turned cheeky and Ermal really didn't like the look of it. “Well, I wanted to show you... this.” And with that Fabrizio took a step forward, pulling Ermal with him into the darkness.

  
Ermal couldn't suppress the scream that came out of his mouth, Fabrizio's laughter echoing in his ears. They were falling, falling what seemed like an eternity to Ermal, the all surrounding darkness making it impossible to estimate the speed or the duration of their fall. Finally, his feet touched the ground again, his toes burying into the wet sand. Everything was surrounded by blackness, he couldn't even make out his own hand in front of his eyes, the water pounding on his ears, canceling out the non-existing sounds. Ermal took a deep breath, but nothing, no air was filling his lungs. Of course not. He could feel himself starting to panic, his legs starting to tremble. But then his hand was being squeezed, a nose gently brushing through his hair. “Are you okay?” a soothing voice whispered into his ear and Ermal could only nod. Because now, he was.

  
He could feel himself being grabbed by the shoulder, Fabrizio steering him into one direction, even though Ermal wasn't sure which. He couldn't even tell how long or far they walked, his senses shrouded in the same blackness that was surrounding them, the hands on his shoulders the only thing that felt real to Ermal. Then suddenly those hands left his shoulders and there was a short moment of panic until they wrapped around his hips, gently guiding him to a stop, Fabrizio's body pressed tight against his.  
“Do you have your eyes open?” “I don't know, it’s black!” “Ermal!” “Yes, they're open.”

  
He felt Fabri moving behind him, not really sure what he was trying to do, but then he couldn't think about that anymore, his mouth falling open, unabashedly staring at what happened in front of him. If he was still up there, he would compare it with the starlit sky, the last view he had before the waves crashed above his head for one last time. Thousands of little lights flitting about, their silvery scales reflecting the light of the larger jellyfish that seemed to suddenly appear out of nowhere. Ermal couldn’t say anything, his voice stuck in his throat that seemed to get tighter with every passing second. It was beautiful, oh so beautiful. Yet he couldn’t help but compare them with the warm light of the sun or the blinding beauty of an early spring morning, the crisp air filling the lungs, the chirping of the birds loud in his mind. Ermal sighed. He terribly missed being alive.

  
Fabrizio noticed immediately that something was off, something had changed within the younger man. “Ermal? What is it? Is something wrong?” But Ermal just shook his head, causing an avalanche of tiny, silvery lights to dart out of his hair and quickly swivel away in the surrounding darkness. “No, it’s nothing, it’s… The colours are gorgeous, it’s beautiful, Bizio, really.” Fabrizio’s heart lurched like every time Ermal used this nickname and he couldn’t stop the smile from spreading on his face, tugging the younger man closer to his body and brushing Ermal’s forehead – very friendly, very platonically, he reminded himself – with his lips. He didn’t even notice the devastated look on the other’s face or the tear slowly rolling down his cheek.

 

* * *

  
A few tides had passed since then and Fabrì couldn’t be happier. They had just managed to divert a school of young dolphins from getting stuck in one of those huge nets the men on the noisy boats used to catch fish, Ale helpfully managing to bite through the strong fibre with his tongs. In the past, he would have to do it alone, nobody to cheer him on, nobody to laugh at him when he almost got stuck in the remains of the net, nobody to pull him away when he maybe got too close to one of the boats, nobody to hug when they looked after the rescued animals. No Ermal. But now there was and Fabrizio had difficulties to imagine a life without him now.

  
He knew he had fallen in love with the other man. Hopelessly, completely. How cruel of Neptune, to let him wait for an eternity before sending him someone so sweet, so playful, so full of joy and sorrow like Ermal, making Fabri feel things he hadn’t felt since the day he died and maybe even before that. Someone who was now in his care, who was so confused with this whole situation, who depended on him, who Fabri couldn’t burden with his own feelings.

  
That’s when an unusual sound was drifting towards his ears, music so much sweeter and softer than he had ever heard before. His heart stumbled, it became difficult to breathe. Fabrizio slowly turned, slowly moving towards the source of all that beauty as if a foreign entity had taken over his body. A sigh escaped his lips as he saw Ermal, sitting on a small hill, his head tilted back with his eyes closed, his mouth moving to form the beautiful notes.

 

_Pa levizje, do shkoj_  
_atje ku shpirti s'ndjen dhimbje, do shokj_  
_do mbyll syte dhe_  
_do te gjej_

_Nga larg po të lutem_  
_mos me harro_  
_digjem për fjalen tende_  
_etjen mos ma shtero_

 

Ermal choked up, unable to continue singing, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. How he missed the sky, the smell of his mother’s cooking, the sound of his uncle playing guitar. How he missed being alive, being human. He burrowed his face in his hands, trying to keep a grip on his emotions, trying to stay in charge.  
He jumped when unexpectedly that warm voice sounded from behind. “Wow, Ermal. That was beautiful.” It took him a while before he replied, his voice a bit rougher than usual, his eyes still focused on his pale hands. “Thank you.”

  
“You have such a beautiful voice, you should sing more often! I’m sure Ro and Ra – “ “Fabrizio”, Ermal interjected him, his tone apathetic. “Can you make me alive again?” “What?” An uncertain smile appeared on Fabrizio’s face, he was slowly inching forward towards the younger man, treating him like a shy animal. “No, I’m… I’m sorry, Ermal, but you’re dead. Nothing can change that.” “Yeah, I know.” Fabrizio gently touched Ermal’s shoulder, his fingers softly petting the cold skin. “You know, you will always have a place here with us, you don’t need – “

  
"But what am I supposed to do here?" Ermal exploded suddenly, his throat burning with more unshed tears. "I can't stay here, Fabrizio, there is nothing for me down here." He only realized what he had said when Fabrizio recoiled, his face torn. Ermal gulped. Shit. "Wait, Bizio, no, I didn't mean it - " Suddenly the sandy floor under his feet was gone, instead sweet air filled his lungs again, the grey sky menacingly hovering above him. Irritated Ermal looked around himself. Where was he? His surroundings looked strangely familiar, though he didn't realize it at first. He couldn't have a clear thought, the unusual noise of the animals permeating his brain after the deafening silence of being underwater. Then he recognized the cliffs and the crooked tower of the church in the distance. He heaved a sigh of relief. That meant he wasn't too far away from his hometown, from his family… and not too far from the sea, from Fabrizio. He thoughtfully chewed on his lip. Shit. What was he supposed to do? He skeptically watched the slowly darkening sky. Well, he couldn't stay here. His legs felt weird as he took his first steps on solid ground since what felt like an eternity. He felt wobbly, out of place, his thoughts still revolving around a face full of hurt and with what might have been tears glistening in the eyes.

  
Fabrizio stood there, his breast still heaving. What had just happened? He wasn’t sure, he just knew that Ermal was gone. And he was alone. Again. He felt Al tugging at his shorts but he couldn’t move, still staring unblinkingly at the spot where just a few moments ago Ermal stood, rage distorting his beautiful face. Maybe he wanted to be back on earth so much that Neptune granted him his wish. Maybe he had suffered so much down here with Fabrizio that Neptune had taken pity on him. Anyways, it didn’t matter. The outcome was still the same. Fabrizio didn’t even know that one could cry underwater. Once again he would have to get used to nobody answering his questions. To not hear that beautiful singing voice any longer. To not feel a soft body in his arms.

  
Ro and Ra cautiously approached him, their cold skin rubbing against his legs. Absentmindedly, Fabrizio held out his hand, gently stroking over their scales. It was better this way, he tried to tell himself. If Ermal had hated this life with him so much, it was better that he was gone now. Up there again. Surely, he could live a good life, have a family and be happy. All those things Fabrizio never would experience again. But he didn’t mind. Ermal deserved it, deserved to be happy. If that happiness was without Fabrizio, then so be it. And if the thought of not seeing Ermal again hurt his heart like a searing spear piercing through it, well. He had an eternity to get used to it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal has returned to the small village he grew up in because that was what he wanted. He couldn't survive down there, in the silent depths of the ocean with only Fabrizio keeping him company. But can he survive without him though?

Ermal reached the first houses of his old village right before the rain started to pour down, the drops pounding against the pavement of the road. The roof he took shelter under seemed a little bit old and rotten, but it served its purpose. Finally, Ermal could take in the view that stretched out in front of him, so familiar yet different at the same time.

The tower of the church he had seen from afar hadn’t changed, it was crooked as always, but some other things did. The store at the corner that had been a hairdresser when he was still alive was now a pharmacy, another store on the other side of the road had become empty.

He felt a cold drop of rain slowly running down his neck. Shit. How long had he been dead? What if everyone he had known had died? What if they were all dead? And not like him dead, but proper dead. He stared unseeingly at the grey sky. That might be for the best though. No one who could ask any uncomfortable questions he didn’t have answers for.

At least now he was free. He could go wherever he wanted, could hear the birds singing, could feel the sun warm his cold skin. Because that’s what he had wanted, he tried to remind himself. That’s what he had asked for. With a thud he let his head fall against the wall behind him, his eyes closed against the few drops that found their way through the leaking roof. Surely it was just his imagination when he could still hear the crashing of the waves in his mind, could feel the water gently tugging at his hair. Or were those fingers?

His eyes opened wide, his breast heaving. He painfully bit his lip, as he shook his head, a raindrop making its way down his cheek. No. That was in the past. This was what he had wanted. Now he just needed to think of the present.

He saw a woman on the other side of the road watching him, but as soon as she noticed his eyes on her, she turned around and almost fled into one of the smaller roads close by. Ermal frowned, trying to wipe the raindrops from his face until his eyes landed on his sleeve. Oh. He looked down at his torn and dirty clothes. He definitely needed new ones if he wanted to get back to living up here. He sighed. That meant he would need money. He dimly remembered his friends talking about one of the bars on the outskirts of town, the owner apparently not asking too many questions as long as you did a good job. Ermal pushed away from the wall, the rain still coming down hard as he walked through the streets, but he didn’t care. At least the noise of it drowned out his own thoughts and the distant roaring of the ocean.

* * *

 

It was his first night working at the bar and he already felt out of his comfort zone. He tried to move through the sea of bodies without dropping anything, the myriad of people making him anxious. So many unknown faces were filling the small location, he didn’t even remember there being so many people living in this godforsaken village.

Maybe he had made the wrong decision. Maybe he should have started to work someplace where it was less crowded. Ermal figured that after so much time just spend with Fabrizio, he was no longer used to being around living and breathing humans. But, he reminded himself, there was a reason he continued working here. He saw the owner of the bar waving in his direction and he couldn’t suppress the ecstatic smile on his face, earning him a weirded-out look from the guy standing next to him at the bar. He couldn’t care less, though.

It felt a bit like coming home when his fingers touched the ivory keys for the first time that night. Ermal sighed inaudibly before his song started to fill the room, he could feel a hush spreading over the bar and couldn’t suppress the self-satisfied grin on his face. Just two songs, the owner had told him and Ermal made those two songs count. The last note was still lingering heavily in the air as he stood up, the scraping of his chair disturbing the awed silence that had settled over the room like a blanket, provoking a roaring applause. The grin on his face turned wide, he didn’t think he had ever felt like this before, the excitement running through his veins like fire.

And yet. Yet when he looked over the masses of faces, there was one missing. A dark, unruly mess of hair and a proud grin. A rough voice telling him how beautiful he sounded. Ermal rubbed over his chest. It shouldn’t hurt like this, he tried to tell himself. He himself had wanted out, wanted to leave the wet, ice-cold prison. So why did he feel even colder now? Like he couldn’t breathe even if there was plenty of air filling his lungs?

* * *

 

Day after day, he continued to perform at the bar and he still enjoyed it, enjoyed the applause, enjoyed the way his fingers slid over the cold instrument. Slowly, he had become used again to living up here. Used to the sun on the skin, used to all those noises animals and humans alike made. But the feeling that he was missing something, or someone, never really left him.

On the night of the next full moon, a woman approached him, her beautiful blond hair tied up in a convenient ponytail and a charming smirk on her face. Ermal immediately liked her. “So”, she started after giving him her order of one gin tonic. “I’ve heard you perform a few times now. And I gotta say, you’re really good.” Ermal answered her smile, handing over her drink. “Thank you.” “I have to ask, what are you still doing here?” He frowned, feeling involuntarily attacked. “What do you mean?” She scoffed, taking a sip from her drink. “Someone with your talent? You could make it in the big cities. You have no business staying here.” “I think what is and what isn’t my business is up to me.” She shrugged, downing at least half of her gin in one big gulp. “Well, sure. But in that case, you should really ask yourself the question, what’s keeping you here?”

Then suddenly she was gone, swallowed by new waves of people trying to get Ermal’s attention, everyone crowding him in, but they were all strangers to him, Ermal realized. Not one of these people had the face he wanted to see and even though their bodies were warm, they couldn’t warm him up. His hand was trembling as he slowly reached up, stroking the wetness away from his face. He knew it, had probably known it the first time his feet had touched the dry earth again. No matter where he went, no matter how far he fled, he could never truly escape his prison. Because he didn’t want to. He never truly wanted to. Because his prison was a pair of arms that oddly felt like home pulling him close, making him feel safe and loved.

What had he done.

With a newfound determination, he pulled the backdoor open, vanishing into the night, leaving the outraged shouts of the customers behind. They were no longer his problem. His heart jumped and his face turned into a wide smile at the thought of wrapping his arms around his Bizio again, of pressing that body close to his, of feeling that strong hand stroking gently through his hair. It was as if a dam was broken, as soon as he had admitted this to himself, it seemed as if he couldn’t think of anything else. Not like he wanted to.

Finally, the sound of the breaking waves was reaching his ears and he knew the ocean was not too far now. His heartbeat doubled, soon now, so soon. The salty smell filled his nose, shortly before his eyes finally fell on the harsh shoreline. Quickly, he pulled his shoes off, the sand wet under his bare feet, his toes impatiently burying into the ground. One more step and he could finally feel the cold water of the sea again. The wave came, burying his feet up to his ankles in the welcomed wet.

And then Ermal jumped back, his smile dropping so fast from his face, leaving only ruins behind. Because the water wasn’t cold, it was hot, burning hot, it felt like thousands of small needles piercing his skin. He tried again and again, but he never managed more than a few steps before the pain nearly brought him to his knees. He knew he was crying, tears streaming down his face. With one last desperate scream, he threw himself into the crashing waves, but it was too much, the pain nearly blinding him, paralyzing him.

As he was lying there on the wet sand, staring at the night lit sky, every wave encircling his legs making him twitch, the only thing he could think about was that he couldn’t go back. He would never be able to see his Bizio again. 

* * *

 

When Ermal returned to the village, his wet pants earned him some curious looks. People didn’t even dare greet him and Ermal had to realize one thing. He had nowhere to go. The thought of his own apartment sent shivers down his spine, the thought of being alone now suffocating him. But there was no one else he wanted to see, the only person he wanted, he couldn’t reach. Absentmindedly he stroked over his wrist, the scars from such a long time ago still visible. But even the last exit was no longer an option for him.

“Ermal!” He twitched when he heard his name being called and for one glorious moment, he could imagine strong arms surrounding him and tender fingers playing with his hair. But it wasn’t, of course it wasn’t. Just a middle-aged man with fiery red hair and a full beard coming towards him, almost running. Ermal racked his brain but couldn’t remember ever meeting him at the bar or somewhere else in town. “Oh my God, it really is you!”

Suddenly he was pulled into a confusingly tight hug, he was so surprised he couldn’t even react. “Wow, what are you doing here? We all thought you left, you know, for better places. And look at you, you haven’t changed at all, tell me your secret, man!” Then the man laughed, the sound tickling a distant memory in Ermal’s brain. “I’m joking, bro, I’m glad you’re back. I mean, it must have been, what? 15 years? Almost, right?” Oh. Oh shit. Then a memory slowly appeared, he remembered long nights at the beach and a red-haired young boy with a bright smile, diving into the ocean. “Arian?”

But… “15 years?” The other man laughed again, wrinkles deep in his cheeks. “Don’t act so shocked. I know, time passes quickly when you’re having fun, but still.” He stroked thoughtfully over his beard, his eyes trying to pierce through Ermal. “I have to be honest with you, I was expecting you to be back when he died.” Ermal’s mind was a mess, so much new information confusing him, he didn’t know how to answer. And he was still dripping wet. He tugged uncomfortably at his wet shirt, the drying fabric itchy on his skin, which finally made Arian notice his state. “Dude, what did you try to do? Have you been gone so long that you forgot to take off your clothes before taking a dip? You’re freezing, man.”

Ermal tried to return his smile, but it was shaky at best, his fingers brushing nervously through his wet hair.

“Nah”, he stuttered, desperately thinking of an explanation. “The… I was… I was taking a walk down at the beach.” Arian arched his eyebrow, but the gentle smile never really left his face. Ermal stared at him with wide eyes, nervously biting his lip. “The current surprised me”, he finished lamely.

Arian laughed loudly, throwing his head back. “You’ve always been kind of an airhead”, he said, still chuckling. “Come on, we need to get you out of those wet clothes. And I need to introduce you to someone.”

* * *

 

The small apartment Arian led him to, was cozy and well kept, immediately making Ermal feel comfortable and at home. As soon as they entered, a woman came from the living room, her hair done up in a messy bun, her clothes clearly more for lounging around the house than anything else.

“Welcome back, honey”, she said, kissing Arian’s cheek. Then she turned to Ermal, a confused but polite expression on her face. “And who is this?” Arian looked at her with an uncertain smile on his face.

“You remember Ermal?” “Well, of course I do, what…”

A shadow had passed over her face before realization had set in, the corners of her mouth hesitatingly pulling upwards.

“Oh wow. Good to see you again.” A red hue was covering Arian’s cheeks as he took the woman’s hand. “Sara’s been my wife now for almost 7 years”, he continued, as if that was supposed to mean anything to Ermal. And to his surprise it did, a long lost memory coming to the surface, the same Arian, only maybe 20 years younger, with the same expression on his face, talking about that girl one year below them. That girl that was now standing in front of him.

“Sara.”

He whispered, immediately biting his lips, but he couldn’t help this proud feeling in his chest. His mind might have forgotten many precious moments they had shared, but his heart didn’t.

“I’m happy for you guys.”

“Well, thanks, I suppose. But you know what else you are? Dripping wet. I’m gonna get you some of my clothes.”

With that, Arian vanished into the apartment, leaving Ermal with Sara behind. A silence was building between them, Ermal didn’t really know how to start a conversation with a virtual stranger he knew nothing about. It was getting more uncomfortable by the minute, Ermal was about to start talking about the weather of all things, just so that he had something to say when Sara finally spoke.

“I’m glad you’re alright.”

And the way she said it, the way her words seemed so heavy, made him look up, made him remember that fateful night all those years ago. That night he died.

He looked at her but couldn’t say anything, the words stuck on his tongue.

“With you suddenly gone and no… news. We all hoped you were gone for better places.” She looked up then, pinning him with her gaze and he could see the wetness glistening there, the things she left unsaid hanging heavy in the air between them. That it had been only a hope, a thought to deny the possibility of a reality so much sadder, so sad you tried with all your might to deny it. But it was always there in the back of your mind, the truth niggling at the protective wall you futilely tried to keep up. Ermal gulped. Silence was spreading again between them, but he didn’t know what he could say to stop it.

“Were you?” she finally asked. He looked at her inquisitively. “In better places.”

“I was.” Ermal could feel himself choke up, the memory of Fabri’s torn face still as fresh as ever in his mind. “But then… things happened. I said some things, and I… I can never go back there.” Suddenly a warm hand grabbed his, only to immediately let go again, Sara staring at him with wide eyes, absentmindedly rubbing her fingers. A tremble was going through Ermal’s body, his muscles tensed, ready to flee any second. A noise in the hallway made him whip his head around, but it was just Arian returning with a stack of clothes in his hand. When Ermal looked back at Sara, her eyes were still focused on him, but now there was something sad, something knowing in them that made shivers run down his spine.

“I’m not sure if they’ll fit”, Arian’s warm voice disturbed the strange atmosphere as if nothing ever happened. “But at least they’re dry. Here.” He held them out towards Ermal, a gentle smile on his face. “Get changed. I’m sure we’ll have lots of things to talk about.”

And then they did talk, or at least Arian did, Ermal listening to the stories of people he barely remembered with an amused half-smile on his face. He also realized he was a fairly passable liar when they asked him about his time in the _big city_ , his time away from their little village. They had been talking for a while when something Arian said grabbed Ermal’s attention.

“You have a boat?” Arian laughed, his eyes twinkling. “I see, you’re still obsessed with the sea as ever. Yeah, I like to go fishing every now and then.” He smiled at Ermal again then, a hopeful and adoring smile. “You wanna join me? Sara gets seasick very easily, so she refuses to join me, especially now when the sea is starting to get rougher.”

“Sure”, Ermal replied, trying to ignore the dull feelings in his chest. “I would love to.”

* * *

 

That’s how on their next day off, they went to the coast together, Ermal regarding Arian’s small fishing boat suspiciously. “Don’t look at her like that, you’re embarrassing her!” Ermal groaned, but the corner of his lips twitched upwards as he answered Arian’s impish grin. “You talking about your boat like that is making me embarrassed”, he retorted before cautiously stepping onto the wooden deck, the planks creaking under his weight.

The boat rocked as Arian entered behind him, his hands already busy with preparing her for their little excursion. “Just sit down and relax. Enjoy the sea.” He winked at Ermal. “I’m sure you’ve missed her.” Ermal had to bite his lips to hold back the truth.

“Yeah”, was his only reply when he felt as if he had himself back under control. As soon as he sat down, he couldn’t pull his gaze away from the endless blue, just as fascinated as the little boy who stood atop of those cliffs so many years ago. The memory caused an unwanted smile on Ermal’s face.

He must have sat there a while, because the beach was already far behind them when Arian nudged him with a bottle of water, smiling at him indulgently. “You really love it here, huh?” Ermal simply hummed, taking the bottle from him with a grateful nod. Arian still looked at him with a thoughtful expression on his face.

“To be honest, I’m surprised you’re not already in the water. I mean, the cold has never been a hindrance to you before.” Ermal’s face contorted into a smile, but it was a sad, painful one. “I can’t”, he said. “I can’t do that, not anymore.” Arian frowned.

“What do you mean? You don’t suddenly unlearn how to swim.” Ermal shook his head. “It’s not that, it’s… my skin”, he lied. “I have a skin condition. I’ve become allergic, it hurts now when I enter the ocean. Something to do with the salt.” Arian hummed.

“Never heard of that before.” Ermal didn’t dare to look at his friend, he could hear the doubt in his voice and he hated lying to him. He tried to ignore Arian’s piercing stare and just focused on the deep blue of the water, watching the waves crash against the shore in the distance. The boat swayed a little as Arian returned to his fishing rod, but Ermal knew he probably would have to answer some questions later. But for now, he used Arian’s distractedness to inconspicuously dangle one of his hands into the water, the pain making him twitch at first before he got used to it, the tingling sensation finally making him feel alive again.

* * *

 

It turned into some sort of tradition for them to go fishing together on their days off, Ermal always sitting at the edge of the boat, one body part of his always connected with the ocean, even though it hurt. And no, it wasn’t the water that was hurting him, Ermal had become used to that pain a long time ago.

It was after one of their fishing trips, they went to the supermarket to get a few beers together when he met her again. She looked older than in his memories, of course she did. So much more fragile, but still elegant, her stance proud as she walked along the road, her hands full with bags of groceries. Even now she was the most beautiful woman on the earth.

She stopped as soon as she noticed him, her eyes wide open, a trembling going through her body.

Ermal just stared at her, his mouth dry, no words coming out of him, his brain completely empty. It was silly, but somehow he hadn’t expected her to change. And he hadn’t expected to meet her here, by coincidence, in the middle of the road.

It took him a while before finally, he could speak again.

“Mom?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal needs to talk to his mother, but there is some unexpected information he finds at his parents' house.

His hand clasped tightly around the warm cup of tea as he looked over the familiar surroundings of his parent’s house, the big cupboards with rows of worn paper a prominent feature in the otherwise almost empty room, the old books causing a reluctant smile on his face. They made him remember happier times of his childhood; times in his mother's arms, feeling sheltered and loved, her calming voice a reassuring mumbling in his ears. His eyes stopped on an old leather-bound book that somehow stood out to him. There wasn't a title on it and it looked a good few years older than the rest of the books.

With a clink, he put the cup on the small side table before gently pulling the book out of the cupboard. Even on the front, there was no lettering and when he skimmed through the pages, he noticed that it had been written by hand, the ink already bleached out and barely readable at times. He was so focused on the book he didn't even notice his mother coming back into the room from the kitchen, having poured another teacup for herself.

"Ah, I see you found it." He looked up at her, confused.

"Found it?"

"You don't remember? This was your favorite book when you were little. I suppose you wouldn't remember. After all, it's been so long." She looked at him with glassy eyes. "You haven't changed at all."

Ermal quickly returned his gaze to the book in his hand, thoughtfully leafing through the pages.

"Who wrote it?"

"Your great-grandfather." She carefully took the book from his hands and with certain movements, her fingers found the pages bookmarked by memory.

She chuckled.

"He was a bit weird, I guess. All these stories he claimed a merman told him." Ermal’s heart stumbled, painful memories starting to cloud his mind, one of his hands absentmindedly coming up to stroke through his hair like another had done so often before. But this couldn’t be, right? It had to be merely a coincidence. Yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t.

"A merman?"

"Yeah, he always told us that he met a merman down by the cliffs, who told him all these stories. You especially liked this one." Silently, her eyes skimmed over the pages, her greying hair falling into her eyes. It hurt him to see her like this, as if life and time had sucked all the energy out of her, leaving her nothing but a shell, a ghost of the woman who raised him.

"Ahh, here it is", she whispered, distracting him from his thoughts, her fingers tapping carefully against the old pages. She cleared her throat, before starting to read, her words triggering a distant memory in Ermal's mind.

"I was fighting, my good friend by my side, his sword clanging against our enemies’ shields over and over again…" Her voice got lost as Ermal's mind drifted off to distant places, to a time when he was still a small child, unaware of the hard times that were awaiting him. How often had he dreamed about having siblings during that time, a little sister or brother to dote on, somebody to play with. Later on, he had only wished for someone older to step up, to bear his responsibility for him. To be his shield, like the one in the book.

He turned back to the story his mother was telling him, guiltily trying to catch up with the plot. "Then a loud roar could be heard", she read, a small smile starting to appear on her face. "Our enemies shouted in surprise, a surprise that would soon turn into fear, as their eyes fell on the smoke that had appeared from behind the little hill where the battle took place and with it a dark silhouette. A deep growl as if from the deepest pits of the Underground shook the battlefield as if Cerberus itself had decided to deem us worthy of a visit. As red eyes started to glow in the rapidly falling darkness, they fled never to trouble us again." She paused, frowning as she tried to decipher the next words, the ink on the paper smudged by time.

"Of course, it wasn't. Neither hellhound nor any monster of any other kind. When the smoke vanished, our allies emerged, holding their bellies laughing at our enemies’ demise, the wooden machinery now in plain sight and that day would be remembered as our greatest victory without a single drop of bloodshed."

His mother looked at him surprised and maybe a little bit shocked, but not as shocked as Ermal felt right now, as his words lingered in the room between them.

"So you remember?"

He gulped, nervously taking another sip from his tea.

"Yeah. Yeah, I remember."

And he did remember. Just not the stories from his childhood, but the stories that Fabri had told him not too long ago.

He nervously licked his lips, his heart speeding.

"Are there other stories in there? About the merman?" Mira looked at him thoughtfully, before turning her attention back to the pages. "Well, as far as I remember, most were simply stories your great-grandfather picked up along the way. But now that you ask, I do remember one other tale about the merman… it was too sad, so we never read it to you. It wasn't really... suitable for children. I don't know what made him decided to include that particular story. I'm sure he could have thought of a nicer one." Ermal gulped. "What do you mean?" His mother sighed, sitting back onto the couch and looking at him with a thoughtful expression. "You shouldn't read it." A hesitant smile appeared on his face. "I'm a grown man, Mom." "Still." He frowned. "What's it about?" She sighed again.

"It's about… how this man supposedly turned into a merman. Or whatever. It's just... really sad." She took a sip from her own cup, her eyes staring into nothingness. When she continued, her voice was quiet. "He'd lost everything. His children… his children died, I don't really quite remember how. But they were dead and his wife, she couldn't bear to live with that." She shrugged, her eyes focused on the swirling liquid in her cup.

"Not that I blame her."

Ermal's fingernails were biting into the soft flesh of his hand, the burn not doing much to help him distracting himself from the burn in his eyes.

"She…?" His mother nodded to his unspoken question, her lips pressed into a thin line. "She used one of his swords to…" She shrugged then, taking a sip from her trembling cup. "Do you see now why we didn't let you read that story? It's just horrible, really. He could have-"

"What happened then?"

"What do you mean?"

"What happened to him, the merman after his wife killed herself?"

Mira looked at him with a wary look in her eyes, biting her lip. She stayed silent for a few moments, before finally speaking again.

"He jumped from the cliffs. According to your great-grandfather, he tried to follow her by jumping from a cliff and drowning, but the sea wouldn't let him. He wrote that Neptune saw him and didn't want to let go of him anymore."

"Yeah, I can understand that", Ermal whispered, his hands tightening.

His mother looked at him, her eyes curious but she didn’t say anything, just stood up to put the book back to its decades-old place. It was quiet for a while, while she busied herself cleaning up, even though it was clearly just an excuse to keep herself occupied, the yearlong distance standing between them like a physical wall.

 Ermal’s fingers gripped the cup tightly. He could sense that she wanted to talk to him, saw her opening her mouth once or twice, but never saying anything aloud. He dreaded this talk, had dreaded it from the moment they met again on the street in front of the supermarket. He knew that she would have questions and none of them he could answer truthfully.

“Where have you been all this time?”

Ermal took another sip from his tea.

“Why did you come back now?”

He could see her hands starting to tremble in the silence. The late afternoon sun re-emerged from behind a cloud and bathed the couch in its cold light.

“I thought you would be back when he…”

There was a loud clink as the teacup hit the table.

“Yeah, Arian told me about that. I didn’t know. How was I supposed to know?”

His mother smiled at him sadly, sitting down beside him again and taking his hand in hers. He could feel her twitch, heard her intake of breath as his cold skin touched hers but her grip was still strong, yet as gentle as only a mother’s could be. Ermal felt the tears burning in his eyes and he hated himself for it.

“When?”

“About five years after you were gone? It was a heart attack, out of nowhere. He suffered cerebral bleeding and fell into a coma and just… never woke up.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Are you?”

He didn’t answer her, squeezing her hand lightly as she sighed, her mind seemingly going back to dark hours, reliving it for every painful minute. He hated that she had to go through this again because of him, but there was one more thing he needed to know.

“How did he react when I was gone?”

 She shook her head, determinedly not looking at Ermal but rather focusing on their intertwining hands.

“He didn’t… It wasn’t easy for him. You know how it is around here.”

“So I tarnished his reputation, is that it? His son wanted to… His son went away and he was mad because it was bad for his reputation?”

“Ermal, please!”

Ermal bit his lip, avoiding his mother’s pleading look. It wasn’t her fault, nothing was and even in his darkest hours, he had never blamed her. Yet he couldn’t find it in himself to forgive her either. He let go of her hand, trying to take a deep breath.

There were more questions he wanted to ask, sadder, heavier questions but he couldn’t, so he just smiled at her sadly, before she pulled him into a tight hug.

He felt something wet on his neck, but before he could register what it was, his mother’s voice filled the suddenly heavy silence between them, her voice rough with unshed tears.

“I’m so sorry, my darling. So sorry for everything.”

And he could feel himself wavering then, just for one moment he wanted to be that little boy again, wanted to hide in her bed under the covers until his fear dried on his cheeks and the warmth of the comforter lulled him into sleep.

But he knew he couldn’t, he knew by now that there was no going back for him, maybe not since the first time his feet touched the cold waves of the ocean back when he was a little boy, the call he had always felt pulling him into the wet darkness now stronger than ever before. And yet he couldn’t. The sea wouldn’t let him. He squeezed his eyes shut, just wanting to forget everything for a few short hours, burrowing himself deeper into his mother’s hold.

The evening was long that night, his mother reluctant to see him disappear again, but at some point, they couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer. She hugged him tight in the hallway, not really wanting to let him go and Ermal couldn’t deny the pain in his chest that he felt as he clumsily tried to step out of her embrace. She smiled at him with tears in her eyes, her hand caressing his cheek one last time like she so often had done in the past.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

He kissed her cheek one last time.

“Why do I feel as if I’ll never get to see you again?”

He tightened his hold around her, felt her frail body against his and wondered how she was ever able to protect him from that monster.

“I’m still here, mama.”

“I know.”

She nodded slowly, not taking her eyes off of his face, yet at the same time motioning for him to go already. Reluctantly, Ermal turned around and left, but not without a heavy heart, already feeling somewhere deep inside that this would be the last time they said goodbye. 

 

* * *

 

Listlessly, Fabri moved through the ocean, Ra and Ro clinging to his legs, never letting him go anywhere on his own. He had tried to stay away from the shore, away from the fishing boats, away from humankind but it was as if an invisible force had pulled him back again, back towards where he knew Ermal might be. Absentmindedly, he patted Ro’s head. He tried to enjoy the dulled rays of sunshine that found their way into the shallow riffs, a bittersweet smile on his face. Because he knew who would enjoy this scenery even more, who would just lay on the ground for half an eternity, his mouth turned into that beautiful smile of his. Fabri bit his lip. He had promised himself not to think of him again, at least not until the pain in his heart had dulled, but by now he wondered if that would ever be the case.

Just then, as if sensing his darkening thoughts, a cloud prevented the last rays from piercing through the water, clouding their surroundings in darkness. Fabri shivered, even though he didn’t feel cold, his eyes focused on a spot on the green fields of seaweed where the sun still reached. He didn’t twitch as sharp feet were digging into his back and Ale sat on his shoulder as if sensing Fabri’s distress as if this animal had somehow developed a sense of empathy.

A slight movement of the shadow made him look up, irritated. What he had assumed to be a cloud was, in fact, one of those small fishing boats that the people recently had started to use when they were fishing for fun. Fabri shuddered. For fun. He must have been so deep in thought that he hadn’t heard it approach.

Slowly he tried to put some distance between him and the fishermen, just enough that there was no chance at all they could catch accidental glimpses of him.

He turned around one last time, to make sure that he was at a safe distance when he saw it. That beautiful shock of dark locks that he could never mistake for any other person. Everything around him just seemed to stop existing for a moment.

Fabri gulped, feeling the threat of tears burning in his eyes, no matter how unrealistically that sounded. But then again, didn’t Ermal cry? Weren’t there tears on his face as he begged Fabri to let him go, even though it was never Fabri’s intention to capture him?

But that’s exactly what he had done.

He had forced him to stay, not even asking him, not offering him another way out. He shouldn’t have done that. And now he had to pay the highest price for it.

At least now Ermal was happy. Even from where he was standing, he could see Ermal’s smile and if he concentrated, it was as if his melodious laughter drifted through the waves over to him. Then another man was entering his view and Fabri gulped, he looked older than Ermal but the way he touched his arm made clear that the two were very familiar with each other. Friends, at least, maybe even more. And Fabri really was happy for Ermal.

He should be. He had to be because that was what Ermal deserved.

Then why did it have to hurt so much? His heart didn’t even beat anymore, so why could it still break? Fabri closed his eyes, trying to blend out the pain radiating from his chest, trying to blend out how it made him choke, made him feel as if it was taking the air from him that he didn’t need.

But at least Ermal was happy.

Right?

Then why did Ermal suddenly look so sad as soon as the other man disappeared again, his gaze lingering on the crystal blue waves as if he was looking for something?

No, surely that was just his imagination.

After all, this was what Ermal had wanted, still wanted or else he could have simply returned to the sea, to Fabri, there was nothing binding him to the land except for his own desires.

Yet Fabri couldn’t help but inch closer as if something was pulling him towards the other man, even though he now knew for sure that the other man didn’t feel the same pull.

He was so close to the boat now, he knew it was dangerous, but he just couldn’t stay away, he couldn’t, not when Ermal was so close.

There was a dull noise and Fabri’s heart was beating faster as beautiful fingers broke through the water surface.

So close. So close.

And he couldn’t resist, slowly raising his own hand, stretching, the tips of their fingers so close, just a bit, just the width of a hair and they would touch.

A shaking of the waves and the hand was gone, Fabri staring, unbelieving, his hand still raised, ready to touch, ready to feel again, but there was nothing there now, just water that splashed in the waves of the retreating boat.

Sand whirled through the water as Fabri fell down on his knees, it was as if all strength had left his body. He couldn’t avert his eyes from his hand, still staring in disbelieve, it was as if his body was working against him and for the first time in probably a hundred years at least, he truly felt like dying again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal is trying to find a way back into the ocean but at what cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, TW: Suicide, please tread carefully!!!

It had been raining for the last few days, the weather keeping Ermal away from the ocean, the sea too stormy to venture out on it with the little nutshell Arian was proud to call his own.

He had spent the days holed up at his mother’s place and he couldn’t tell who was more surprised when he knocked on her door. He would sit on the little couch in the too big living room, the cup of tea his mother brought him getting cold on the side table, leafing through yellowed pages, reliving a pain that was not his own, but that felt so much more real because of it. It was as if that pain was the only thing that kept him tethered to the ground during those days, to the reality right in front of his eyes and not give in to the overwhelming nothingness that seemed to spread within him more with each day he spent away from the cold sea.

She had stopped trying to talk to him after the third day, her joy of seeing him again slowly diminishing and being replaced with sorrow, her face being marred with worry every time she saw him bent over that old book, his eyes racing over the pages.

Still, throughout those days, Arian kept him company as much as possible, silently sitting at his side, his watchful eyes noticing things that should have stayed unnoticed for all of humanity and that he couldn’t quite put into words just yet.

Finally, the weather improved and Ermal was quick to agree to another fishing trip with Arian. These were probably one of the last warm and dry days of the season, so they were trying to enjoy this opportunity as much as they could before winter came and they would be no longer able to sail out onto the ocean for a long time. The thought alone made the pit of dread in Ermal’s stomach grow, the thought of that one connection he still had with Fabrizio being severed leaving him breathless and with a heavy heart.

They were silent on the boat, Ermal deep in his thoughts and Arian sensing that he was not in the mood to talk. Even after 15 years apart, they still understood each other perfectly without having to say anything.  

Ermal’s thoughts were circling around his ancestor’s diary with, what he was now sure were Fabri’s tales. How did the two of them meet? His mother had said that it had been down by the sandbank, close to the cliffs. His eyes were automatically drawn to the area that was a bit to their right. So close. The boat rocked dangerously as he sat up, the splashing of the waves suddenly loud in his ears, but it was still drowned out by the roaring of his own thoughts.

If he remembered correctly, Fabrizio didn’t move all that much, or even if he did, he always seemed to come back to the same area. He bit his lip. What if…

He glanced again towards the cliffs. Until now, they had avoided the area just like all the other local fishers. There were no fish there, at least none that were inclined to take the bait and venturing into that area had always been risky due to the large sandbank. Or at least that’s what they had all been told for generations. Now Ermal wasn’t so sure that that were the only reasons.

“Arian”, he said, a nervous energy running through his body, just the possibility of having a glimpse putting him on edge. His voice sounded loud, even muffled by the sound of the ocean surrounding them.

“Can we… Can we go over there?” His finger pointed in the direction he was talking about, a slight trembling visible.

“To the cliffs?” Arian looked at him incredulously, completely disregarding his fishing rod. “Why? Nobody goes there, you know that. There don’t seem to be any fish at all.”

“Or maybe they’re simply not biting because they’re getting warned.”

“What? Ermal, I gotta tell you, bro. You’re acting weird today. I mean, ever since you’ve met up with your mom –“

“Just”, Ermal interrupted him and with the way Arian’s eyes widened, he knew that his voice was just that bit too loud, a bit too harsh. But right now, he didn’t care.

“Just do me a favour, okay?”

Arian shot him another look, before starting his boat up again, the engine roaring to life. Both of them didn’t say a word while the dark silhouette of the cliffs moved towards them, the wind blowing cold around their noses. It didn’t take them long to reach their destination, Arian immediately shutting off the engine, clouding the area in quietness again.

“We can’t go any closer, otherwise we might get stranded.” Arian’s voice was loud enough to startle a couple of water birds that had been close by, Ermal following their flight disinterested.

There hadn’t been a lot of people around from the beginning, the rough wind shooing away any stray surfers or amateurs that didn’t actually need to be on the sea. But here it seemed even quieter, like something or someone was keeping each and every sound low, as if there was an enormous blanket lying over the area dulling the sounds.

Ermal stared at the repeating motions of the waves, trying against all reason to make out familiar shapes in the murky green of the seawater, a shock of dark hair, a body moving under the surface, even though it shouldn’t be possible. He let his right arm dangle over the railing, his fingertips grazing the water and letting short shocks of pain run through his tense body.

Arian sighed, shooting a worried glance towards Ermal. “I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve, man, but I do hope you appreciate me sacrificing a whole day of fishing for it.”

The sound of the bait hitting the water made Ermal look up for a second and for the blink of an eye, he even imagined a familiar shape coming out of the depths of the ocean but when he looked again, it was gone, only the blue-green waves of the ocean remaining. 

Then it all turned silent again, the wind and the crashing of the waves accompanying the gentle swaying of the boat, only disturbed by the occasional harrumphs and grumps from Arian.

“HA!”

The shout of victory surprised Ermal. He turned around, the boat languidly following his motions. Arian was standing, a foot on the railing and a big grin on his face. One of his hands was gripping the rod tightly, the other was desperately trying to rail in whatever was on the other end of the line.

With a laboured groan, Arian pulled the thing on their boat, but it was not the catch he had expected. Immediately, the noisy clacking of pincers filled the air.

“What the – ?” The crab that Arian had pulled on their small boat was huge, snapping violently at everything within its reach. It didn’t look very different from other crabs, but Ermal immediately recognized it.

Ale.  

With trembling fingers, Ermal reached out for him, carefully approaching, but Ale wouldn’t take it, immediately snapping at his finger, even threateningly advancing on him, forcing Ermal to press against the railing, pincers clapping menacingly in front of him. Arian watched them with big eyes, hysterical laughter spilling from his lips.

“Dude, this crab really has it out for you.”

Ermal stared at Ale, the crab still approaching, but his thoughts were no longer with the animal in front of him. Because he knew what this meant, it meant that he had been right, that Fabrizio couldn’t be too far and the thought alone caused an avalanche of different emotions to roll over him, burying his rational thinking under it.

 _I can’t die._ That was the thought that ran through his mind as he slowly stood up on shaking legs, still gripping tightly on to the railing.

_I can’t die because I’m already dead._

“Ermal, no!”

Arian’s shout was the last thing he heard before the seawater pressed on his ears, dulling all sound surrounding him. For a split second, he could just enjoy the water swallowing him up, the ocean welcoming him home.

Then the pain set in.

Ermal screamed.

It was a pain worse than he had ever had to endure during his short life, his whole body was on fire, dark spots were dancing in front of his eyes, he could barely make out Arian leaning over the railing, it looked as if he was trying to grab Ermal but couldn’t. The dark spots grew bigger, robbing him of his sight and Ermal wondered if it was possible for him to die a second time.

His consciousness was slipping and the last thing he saw before the darkness claimed him was only the endless blue of the sea, the depressing nothingness of the ocean. 

* * *

 

Fabrizio was confused. He had been sitting at one of his favourite spots (okay, so it might have been Ermal’s), staring mindlessly at the clear sky, distorted through the never-ending movement of the water, when seemingly out of nothing Ra appeared, his sleek body wrapping around Fabri’s arm, tugging at him, as if to say something to him.  Fabri slowly sat up, staring at him uncomprehending. That’s when his eyes fell on a dark shape in the water, a shape that was all too familiar to him.

A human.

No, he reminded himself, not a human. Most likely a body, with the way the limbs remained unmoving, there was no struggle for air, for breath, for life.

He moved closer to the body, something about it triggering a distant memory in his mind, something that felt so incredibly familiar, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

One step closer and he would notice the dark shape sitting on the waves above, would surely recognize the small boat again and would likely be able to make some assumptions.

But he never did.

Instead, his eyes stared unblinkingly at what he now recognized as a dark shock of locks, hair that was so familiar and a profile, he would be able to pick out amongst a million people. But this couldn’t be, right? This was impossible. Surely, his eyes were playing a trick on him.

But with every step that took him closer to the body, he was more certain, this was no mistake or an illusion. Yet it still didn’t make any sense.

Ermal shouldn’t be here. He should be up there, living a good life, with friends, a family. Not down here, in the dark, with none of the people he cared about to keep him company. He shouldn’t be here, looking so… lifeless.

And then it hit Fabri. That something was very wrong. Because for the first time since Ermal died, he looked dead.

But that couldn’t be, right?

The sea gave Ermal his second chance at life, it wasn’t allowed to take it back. He could feel something hot forming in his stomach. No. He wouldn’t allow it.

His eyes never left the face of his beloved as he took the last step forward until he was standing right next to Ermal, his trembling hand reaching to gently ghost over the prickly skin of his cheeks, his fingers following the bow of his nose, the edge of his cheekbones. Fabrizio felt as if all the air had been sucked out of him as he stared at Ermal, which was, of course, a silly notion for someone as dead as him. He took a breath that he refused to admit was a sob, as he couldn’t do anything but stare.

A split second of warning was all he got, a subtle twitch of the muscles underneath his fingertips, then Ermal’s mouth was ripped open in a silent scream, his beautiful eyes wide as they stared at Fabri, pleading, begging, for what he didn’t know.

It almost looked as if he was drowning, a desperate look in his eyes, his body convulsing ever so often. So Fabri did the only thing he could think of.

He grabbed Ermal, pressing his body close to his, his head loosely cradled on his shoulder and swam up, towards the surface, out of the icy grip the ocean had on them.

The sunlight blinded him as he shot through the waves, his eyes immediately focused on the large rock that stuck out of the ocean, not too far away from them. With urgent movements, Fabrizio reached it, pulling Ermal after him, his body lying against his. Hurriedly, he brushed the dark locks out of the other’s face, but the eyes that were blinking up at him were not void of life, no longer full of torment, even though his body was still shaking with trembles from time to time.

Fabrizio averted his gaze, his heart almost beating out of his chest. Ermal felt so right in his arms like he belonged, but he couldn’t take advantage like this. He needed to get some space between them. However, as soon as he moved, Ermal gripped his wrist, his fingers surprisingly strong for his current condition, his head moving so that his nose grazed the sensitive skin of Fabri’s neck. Everything around them seemed to disappear, the cold body in his arms the only thing important in this moment. He didn’t even notice when a thumb hesitantly started to rub gentle circles into his skin, but he noticed when it stopped, Ermal straightening himself as the silence was interrupted by the noisy whirring of an approaching boat.

 “Oh my God, Ermal! Are you alright?”

Fabrizio looked up at the sound of a dull thud, the fisherman he had seen before standing before them, a cautious look in his eyes.

He seemed to try to get eye contact with Ermal, a slight frown marring his face. Fabri played nervously with Ermal’s fingers in his hand, he didn’t know how to react, didn’t know what the other man had seen or what he was thinking at this moment. The man opened his mouth but closed it again, softly shaking his head.

“Ermal, you…”, he started, but stopped, shooting a look in Fabri’s direction. “You’ve been down there far too long, you shouldn’t have been able to survive.” He shook his head again, stronger this time. “It’s simply not possible.” Fabri felt the cold fingers twitch in his hold, but Ermal didn’t pull his hand away, only moving to sit upright, facing his friend head-on.

“I’m a good swimmer.”

“No, you’re not. I mean, yes, you are good. But… nobody is that good. I know that.” Almost accusingly, he suddenly pointed a finger at Fabri, his voice getting louder. “And where did he come from anyway? There are no other boats nearby; we’re a good way offshore.”

Fabri had no idea how to reply to that, so they turned silent, just the quiet crashing of the waves audible in their ever repeating crescendo.

Something changed then in the man, a sombre acceptance entering his eyes.

“So Sara was right”, he said, his voice now barely audible over the noises of the ocean. “You’re no longer the man you used to be.”

He stroked with his hand over his face, turning towards the shore. Confused, Fabri tried to understand what was going on, nothing seemed to make sense to him at the moment. When the man looked back again, he was surprised to see tears in the stranger’s eyes.

“There was talk, you know. People saying that you… left. Forever.” He gulped, his Adam's apple slowly moving. “I didn’t want to believe that, I couldn’t…” he slowly shook his head, tears running down his cheek.

“Arian.”

“I should have done something.”

Fabrizio could feel Ermal’s grip on his wrist tighten, could feel him tensing his whole body.

“You know just as well as I do that we weren’t as close during that time. You couldn’t have noticed.”

Arian averted his eyes, staring blindly at the cliffs towering above them.

“But what if we were close? What if… I don’t know. What if we could have talked?”

“That’s a lot of what if’s.”

“Ermal, no that’s... I just… I just wish I could have done something.”

“But you couldn’t, okay? Arian, please. This is such a long time ago.”

There was a tense silence between them, Arian still staring at the cliffs, while Ermal was apparently trying to crush Fabrizio’s fingers, his body as rigid as a stick.

“For my sake, Arian. You have to move on.”

When Arian finally spoke again, his voice was nothing more than a sigh.

“I’ll try.”

He cleared his throat, his hand carelessly wiping over his face. He shook his head before facing them again, a lingering sadness still prominent in his eyes, but he seemed determined to move on, his hand awkwardly gesticulating towards them.

“So what about this guy then? Is he the one you’ve spent all these years with?”

Fabrizio was so focused on avoiding the piercing glare of the fisherman, he didn’t see the gentle smile on Ermal’s lips or how Arian’s face softened as he noticed it.

The fisherman shook his head and Fabrizio could see him gritting his teeth.

“I still don’t understand it. Where were you all this time? You couldn’t have been around here, then you would have known your father died. And please tell me the truth this time.”

Ermal stayed silent but refused to avert his gaze, the two old friends staring at each other.

When he talked again, Arian’s voice was quiet, as if he was talking to a spooked animal.

“Does this by any chance have anything to do with the book you’ve kept reading? Your grandfather’s book?”

Fabri could feel Ermal tense in his arms, leaning back into him seemingly needing that contact.

“My great-grandfather. Yes.” Ermal answered, his voice breathless.

Arian glanced suspiciously towards Fabrizio, who still had no idea what was going on at that moment.

“Is that… him then?”

“You read it?”

“When you were asleep, yeah. What is he, a merman?”

Ermal chuckled drily, Fabrizio could feel his shoulders relaxing.

“No, no merman. He is not dead. Just like me.”

Arian nodded as if he understood, but he kept glaring at Fabrizio.

“I still have one question. Why did you leave him? Did he do something?”

Ermal sighed.

“No. He didn’t do anything wrong. I… felt lonely, the darkness got to me and I said things that I probably shouldn’t have.”

Fabrizio felt as if he had been hit by a hammer, thoughtlessly his arms came around to keep Ermal close, his fingers stroking through wet curls.

“I’m so sorry I made you feel lonely, I knew it must have been hard for you to adjust but – “

“Bizio.”

Fabri looked up at the familiar nickname, his heart jumping at the sound of it. There was something in Ermal’s gaze that had changed, had become softer, but he couldn’t quite understand the emotion behind it.

“It’s okay. I probably should have told you.”

Arian coughed obnoxiously before glancing at their still intertwined hands, at the way Ermal held onto Fabri like a drowning man. “So I suppose I will be going back alone?” Ermal took a shuddering breath and they were so close, Fabri had no trouble seeing his eyes becoming glassy as a tremble ran through his body. He could feel himself choke; he hated to see Ermal so sad, so devastated at the thought of having to leave the land. He tried to detangle his hand, but it was more difficult than he expected, for some reason Ermal seemed to be reluctant to let go and when they finally separated, he looked at Fabri as if he had betrayed him somehow. Fabri avoided his eyes, his gaze focused on the waves crashing against the cliffs.

“I’m not going to force him to come with me.”

“Well, yeah, otherwise I would have to – “

“What are you even talking about?” Ermal interrupted, glaring at Fabrizio.

“What?”

“You make it sound as if I actually didn’t want to spend the rest of my non-life with you.”

Fabrizio looked at Ermal then, gritting his teeth against the emotions that were threatening to overcome him, because this couldn’t be, this would have been too good to be true.

“And yet you never tried to return to me.”

“I would have if I could!”

Ermal’s shout echoed eerily through the bay, his hands balled into fists. Fabrizio frowned, his dead heart beating double in his chest.

“What do you mean?”

“It wouldn’t let me,” Ermal said with a grimace, gesticulating at the sea surrounding them. “The sea wouldn’t let me back. I was in so much pain every time my skin touched the water, what do you think happened earlier?”

Fabri’s heart beat hard in his chest as he scrambled to get up, staring out on to the endless ocean with astonishment in his eyes.

“It can’t be.”

“What? Bizio, what is going on?”

He had to close his eyes for a second, as that familiar nickname rolled over those beautiful lips. Remembered the times, the lonely days and night when he gave up hope of ever hearing that name again. But this was not the time to concentrate on that.

He kneeled down, his hands almost touching the water.

“I haven’t done this in a very long time. Maybe too long.”

At first, nothing happened.

Then a blue shimmer started to appear on Fabrizio’s skin, first enveloping his fingers, his hands until it swallowed his whole body.

“What the…”

He tried to ignore everything around him, no matter how difficult it was to ignore Ermal’s worried glances. His mind was solely focused on the flow of images, smells and noises, almost overwhelming him, trying to crush him, control him.

It was over as quickly as it began, leaving Fabrizio breathless and disorientated, his mind in turmoil.

“What the fuck was that?” Arian whispered, staring at Fabrizio with horror in his eyes.

“Did you forget who made me?” Fabrizio replied with a bitter smile tugging at his lips.

“I am part of it. If I want, it speaks to me.”

“Of course”, Arian mumbled, his face growing paler by the second. “I should have seen this one coming.”

“Okay, so what did it say?” Ermal interrupted, his hands nervously moving around, never seeming to stay still.

“Will I be allowed back?”

Fabri stared at him for a moment, contemplating whether he should tell the truth. But then, he knew he could never lie to Ermal.

“It spoke of great pain but only to prevent greater. Ermal, maybe you shouldn’t – “

“Can I enter the ocean again?”

The older man sighed, biting his lips.

“I belong to it. It will never let me go. But you still have a choice here, Ermal.”

Ermal smiled at him then, but it was a knowing smile with a hint of sadness.

“I don’t think I do.”

He turned around without another word, leaving Fabrizio standing there dumbfounded, watching, as Arian opened his arms for a hug that Ermal answered immediately, not looking the least bit surprised.

“Tell my mom that I’m sorry. Tell her that I am in a better place now.”

Arian’s eyes glistened in the light of a stray sunbeam, his arms tightening around Ermal for a moment, before letting him go again.

“I will. Don’t worry, Sara and I will care for her. Take care and farewell, brother. I know where to look for you.”

“Promise you will.”

“This was your plan the whole time, wasn’t it?”

Ermal chuckled lowly, but Fabri could hear that he was holding back tears, the broad back in front of him suddenly looking so much smaller and Fabri had to hold himself back to not go over there and hug him, assure him that everything would be fine in the end.

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

The two men shared a secretive smile, before Arian took a small step backwards, his eyes not leaving Ermal’s face.

“I better go then.”

Ermal nodded, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah. See you.”

Arian finally turned away, reaching his boat with a few long steps, the engine filling the area with a low howling, before he reversed it and left towards the shore, never once looking back.

Ermal hadn’t moved yet, staring after the boat and Fabrizio was at a loss as to what to do. He took a step closer, his hand finally coming up to gently rest on those shoulders, his thumb automatically starting to rub small circles into soft skin.

“Are you really sure about this?”

The younger man turned towards him and Fabrizio was surprised that even with the tear tracks on his face, Ermal’s eyes were determined.

“I’ve never been surer of anything. How many times do you need me to tell you?”

Fabri gulped, averting his gaze.

“I just… I don’t want you to leave me again.” And he hated how much his voice broke on that one sentence, hated how weak he sounded, hated the pain he caused on Ermal’s beautiful face. Maybe this is it, Fabri thought. Maybe this is too much for him and he’ll leave me right now to spare us any further pain. But then the younger man stepped closer, his hands softly cradling Fabri’s face and the look in his eyes made Fabri’s breath hitch.

“Never, I promise you. Never again. There might be days when I’ll spend some time up there, but I will always, always return to you, I promise. These last few weeks, when I couldn’t see you… I didn’t know loneliness until you weren’t with me. I never want to go through that again.”

Fabri could do nothing but stare into those beautiful, dark eyes and he couldn’t do anything but trust them.

 “Okay”, he whispered. “If that is what you want.” A pained expression entered Ermal’s face, but that wasn’t what Fabrizio had intended, not at all, but he felt powerless, not really knowing how to make the younger man smile again.

“I’m sorry that I ever made you think that it wasn’t.” Then Ermal leaned down, slowly, his eyes not leaving Fabrizio’s for a second, wordlessly asking for permission. Soft lips found his in a gentle kiss that was so different from any that Fabrizio had ever experienced. The skin was cold and wet and tasted of sea salt, but there was also something that made him feel alive for the first time in centuries.

Fabrizio stood still while his thoughts were racing, all that pain and heartache, all those seconds that felt like eternities. What if he got his heart broken all over again?

Then Ermal’s lips opened, just a bit, and a gentle sigh escaped and it was in that moment that he realised that it was useless to think about that. His heart had already made that decision for him.

So he finally dared to let himself enjoy this, enjoy the weight of Ermal’s hand on his hip, enjoy the way his fingers caressed his cheek, enjoy the way his lips moved against his. His own hand found its way into dark locks, the other tightly gripping onto firm arm muscles, his tongue coming out to first gently taste the salt on those soft lips before they parted and let him in. He had had already lost hope that he would ever get to feel like this again.

“Ouch!”

Suddenly, those lips were gone, and Fabrizio blinked surprised at the disgruntled face of his companion. Of his companion, who then jerked again, turning away from Fabri to look at his back.

“What the – You again?”

Curious, Fabri tried to look past Ermal, but the menacing clacking of tongs filling the air had already answered his question. He couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his lips as he watched Ermal trying to avoid Ale’s powerful pincers.

“What have I ever done to you?”

As if to answer his question, Ale managed to position himself between the two of them, his back towards Fabri, his tongs facing Ermal.

Ermal clicked his tongue at him, his hands on his hips.

“Now I can’t even be angry at you, you little bastard.”

Fabri rolled his eyes, grabbing Ale around his body.

“Don’t call him a bastard.”

There was a loud splash as the crab hit the water, Ermal staring at Fabrizio incredulously.

“You threw him!”

Fabri bit his lip, shrugging. Not as if Ale wasn’t used to that. But there were more important things they needed to talk about.

 “What now? What are you planning on doing?”

Ermal frowned as he held out a finger towards him and crouched down near the water, his fingers cautiously touching the surface of the waves. A brilliant smile broke out onto his face then, taking Fabrizio’s breath away, before Ermal let his whole hand dive into the water, his smile only growing wider.

“Ermal?”

The younger man stood up, carefully taking Fabrizio’s face in his hands, his thumbs gently stroking over his cheekbones. Fabri felt as if he could get lost in the darkness of his gaze. Their lips met in a short peck before Ermal took a step back, holding out his hand towards him.

“Now, we’ll go home. Come on.”

Without hesitation, Fabri grabbed his hand, letting himself get pulled into the cold waves, deeper and deeper until the sea swallowed them whole, Ermal never letting go of his hand.

One moment, the sunlight was still trying to warm his skin, the next the darkness embraced him, but then he looked next to him, at the young man with the beautiful dark locks and a smile brighter than the sun, a smile directed at him and the ocean finally felt like home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, I can't believe it's over!!! This was supposed to be a short one shot, two chapters at most, maybe about 5k? and now look where we ended! I hope the finish doesn't disappoint too much!  
> Special thank you at Marjo, Julia, Lisa and Sahra for always always just knowing how to say the right words to keep me from chucking everything into the bin. You guys are the best! <3


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